When I was in the eighth grade, in all my awkward glory, I remember having a conversation with my best friend. It boggled my mind to think that as parents, you were responsible to choose a name for your children — a name that would pretty much affect their entire life.
I went through the obvious possibilities when you are 14, looking out of the bus window and enjoying my fake power, exploring names like Fire Hydrant Egan and Rubber Ducky Carter (I was going to marry Nick Carter, and, I will have you know, that fantasy is still alive, well, and possible).
It was all a joke. That is, until celebrities really started doing it.
This week, Hollywood’s newest round of babies were born. Kate Hudson and Victoria Beckham both gave birth this last week, and while Hudson hasn’t chosen a name for her new son, Beckham chose to name her newest daughter Harper Seven Beckham.
Yes. You read that right.
Harper Seven joins plenty of ridiculous celebrity baby names. Erykah Badu named one of her kids Puma, Nicolas Cage gave his son the original name of Superman, Kal-el, and Pen Jillette named his daughter Moxie CrimeFighter. The further I go down the list, the more out of sorts it gets.
Don’t get me wrong, different is great. I don’t mind different. But can you really see your child on the playground responding to the name Apple or Dweezil? Thank you, Frank Zappa, for that one.
As parents, you have absolute power. You control the future. You can’t make sure the 500 other kids in school with names like Matt and Samantha aren’t going to make fun of a kid named Fifi Trixibelle. Tell me you can, honestly, envision Moon Unit Zappa as the name of our next president.
Children of celebrities grow up with cameras documenting their lives and their every misstep, which is hard enough. They are already twice as likely to resent their parents. They don’t need names like Daisy Boo or Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily. It’s time for the rich and famous to quit playing their high-class game of I-Spy and give their children a chance.
No, I can’t go to Europe on a moment’s notice. I can’t spend more than $100 on a shopping spree, and my store of choice is more JCPenney than Coach or Chanel. I was not raised vegan. My mom didn’t buy me a horse for my fifth birthday.
But hey, at least my name isn’t Harper Seven.
Contact Corianne Egan, a Paducah Sun staff writer, at 270-575-8652.